Early July Update

Oh…lets see…

Mediation did not go particularly well- my ex wife seems to be willing to let me have my kids as long as I don’t have the resources to actually take care of them…

I’m still looking forward to meeting JAP’s family in a few weeks…

A few choice quotes over the past couple of weeks:

Friend to JAP: My boyfriend has a convertible
JAP: Big Deal…my boyfriend wears t’fillin.

Friend of JAP from Honduras: So you know…most people in Honduras don’t live in Huts.
Amishav: Of course I know that most people in Honduras don’t live in huts. Most people in Honduras live in slums.

JAP: I love you…you don’t annoy me nearly as much as the others.

Jap and I have been hanging out as much as possible, enjoying each other’s company and taking in some events, like the street art festival in Larimer Square. Here’s some photos:


Smoking Shishi with some friends(no, that's not a bong):


Hitting a few balls with folks from Shul:

Shooting a commercial with some members of the tribe:
Things are going pretty well otherwise...I'm working about four hours a day organizing the shul's library...trying to figure out what to do with 17 copies of my name is Asher Lev, and being utterly stumped as to what to do with rav Kook's Orot(theology? biblical commentary? halacha? humor?) and making the final decision as to the fate of the water damaged copies of the Jewish Encyclopedia...

Oh, no! I have to go! JAP is eating my muffins fresh from the oven...good eating...Hope that everyone has an easy fast for tammuz!

er... Long Time eh?...Excuses...Ben the Fisherman

Hey- sorry folks- I don't have internet access at home and since I'm not at work,it tough to get posts up. I'm just hanging out doing a lot of baking, reading, drinkin' wine, chillin' at shul, nothing exciting.

JAP is doing well and we're having a wonderful time dealing with each other's communication styles- she processes things externally by talking- as she said, "By the time I've talked with eight different people I know what I think." Moi, on the other hand, would prefer to be told something once, then crawl into a cave for a few days and emerge back into the sunlight paler, but wiser. Working out how we're going to resolve issues then is a bit of trick, but JAP and I are both serious about making things work, and I'm sure we will.

The Police concert was absolutely Great! JAP and I had a blast, and since so much money was spent on the tickets I didn't buy one of the 80 dollar t-shirts. I could have bought a lanyard for 5 but then, what was I going to do with a lanyard?

JAP and I are still planning on visiting her family in the second half of July and I'm really looking forward to that and overall, things are positive.

My kids are in Oregon right now visiting their grandparents on their mother's side, but before they left, I got to take my youngest boy fishing...here are some pictures just for giggles. I miss both my kids terribly.

Pickin' out a fishin' pole:


Hey Dad, where's the fish?


I Got Slime!


It's more fun to chase the geese!


And isn't that the way life goes for all of us- we dream that something will turn out one way, we prepare, we spend out time and efforts to make it happen, we end up catching nothing but slime and in the end, we go off and chase something else. Has my kid been reading Kohelet?

Being a Bad Blogger

Naughty, naughty me…I’m not writing much. If it wasn’t for getting classified as spam by Blogger I wouldn’t have written anything yesterday either. I seem to have hit a bit of a rough patch with the whole process- a lot is on my mind that isn’t so great and I don’t really want to write about any of it at the moment Still, I feel like I have to put my thoughts down, so here’s a summary of what is going on in synopsis form:

1. JAP has said many times that after three months the true personality of a person is revealed in a relationship- and it has been about three months ago that she and I started seeing each other. The interesting thing is that we’re at a kind of plateau. There don’t seem to be many new revelations about each other coming right now, we’re getting into a routine and starting to get comfortable with each other. Not that I think that is a problem, but our relationship is entering a new phase and we’ll have to see how that goes. I’m hopeful, I still think she’s wonderful, and I’m waiting to see what’s next. I’m thinking that extensive elective surgery under general anesthesia might spice things up, but that might not be the best idea.

2. School is out for summer about three hours ago now. I’ve got my sign-out forms completed, the books have been packed away into my office, and the bones of the missing students have been hidden well. But I still feel weird. Last year at this time I was getting ready to go to Israel and in my heart I want to be there again so badly. I know that there is a time and a place for everything, but I can’t help feeling that I’m missing something important by not being there. I’ve kept a 20 shekel note in my wallet all this time, and I’m sad that I won’t be able to use it any time soon. Eating falafel doesn’t seem to be helping.

3. I don’t want to go into any great detail about this, but I’m starting the legal process of getting my kids to spend more time with me. Needless to say, my lovely ex isn’t cooperative or helpful in this matter. What is motivating me to start this process has been weighing heavily on me. I don’t want to talk about it here publicly. Sadly, this struggle is affecting my relationship with JAP in a not so positive manner. She’s been has been very patient, kind, and understanding up to now, but it has clearly been a difficult matter to deal with.

4. I’m going to be doing some film production work on the 12th and 13th and that will be great- I’ll write about that when it happens. Nothing too exciting, it’s behind the camera, so Johnny Depp doesn’t have anything to worry about, but I’m grateful that I get calls to do this kind of thing every now and then. I’ll take pictures and hopefully have some good stories…

5. JAP and I are going to see the POLICE! This Sunday! Oh YEAH! Da-doo-doo doo, Da-die-die-die…

6. I’m going to MIAMI BEACH in July to meet JAP’s family- that should be fun to write about! A whole week with the mishpocha! They sound wonderful, fun, and funny. I can’t wait to meet them! I can’t wait to answer all their questions! I’ve been promised that when I bend over for the traditional rectal exam of the new boyfriend that they’ll be gentle! Once that’s over, I can’t wait to see the topless women on the beaches, the Cuban Synagogue, the topless women IN the Cuban Synagogue…

7. 17 people are coming over for dinner this Shabbos! It’s my biggest dinner yet, and I’m hoping it goes well, but I’m a little freaked out because I’ve never tried to have this many people over before- the portions are going to be huge. I’m going to go broke. People will die from undisclosed food allergies, ambulances will have to be called, police reports will be written… good times.

Wish me luck!

Chai Expectations Is Attacked by Robots!

I was declared a SPAM blog!

Don’t I feel special! I leave the thing alone for a couple of days, and when I come back to put up a post, I get the following announcement:

WARNING
This blog has been locked by Blogger's spam-prevention robots. You will not be able to publish your posts, but you will be able to save them as drafts.
Isn’t that nice of blogger’s robots? What sort of Robot do you think said I was a spammer? Was it Robbie? (For those of you who aren't total geeks, that's a Picture of Robbie above) I mean, I’d like to know exactly what this robot thought it was doing. What could it have done to lead it to declare my little old blog to be SPAMMING up the internet?

Was it my odd syntax? The peculiar vocabulary? The sprinkling of Yiddish? The deranged topic list? The frum spanking? The Beis Yaakov girls gone wild? What did I do to DESERVE this little honor? What was it that led the Robot to cast its beady little red eye on moi?

Since you’re reading this, I’ve had my blog examined by a real life human and declared spam free. It only took 25 minutes. Amazing that they were that fast don't you think? Here was their official response to my plea to get out of perdition:

Hello,
Your blog has been reviewed, verified, and cleared for regular use so that it will no longer appear as potential spam. If you sign out of Blogger and sign back in again, you should be able to post as normal. Thanks for your patience, and we apologize for any inconvenience this has caused.
Sincerely,
The Blogger Team

I suppose I can’t get too upset about this. After all, it is a free service, but yet, I find myself vaguely insulted. Does my blog read like a mass mailing for “herbal” Viagra? Do I really sound like Imkwame Buthalezi from the National bank of Zimbabwe seeking a third party to help their government out in a pinch? Do I really sound like right honorable Thomas Clark, esq. who knows that I’m related to a recently deceased Scottish lord who just so happened to will me a sum of 12 million pounds? Am I really that bad at writing?

Wait, don’t answer that, I don’t want to know.

Things Going Well? I Spoke Too Soon...

So much for things going well…

I brought it on myself. I admit it. I said that things were going well and that the angry villagers with torches weren’t massing on the doorstep. I was wrong. I just didn’t see them.

This time they came in the form of a flat tire. Yes, the Amimobile had a flat on the interstate…in a rainstorm. Good for me!

I had noticed that it was looking a bit flat in the morning. Nothing serious, but I was going to fill the tire up with air that afternoon after work. Driving home on 225 near the intersection with I-25 I started hearing some grinding noise.

At first I thought it was just the rain hitting the wheel wells, but it kept getting louder and louder. Was there something wrong with my brakes? I pulled over and sure enough…I had a flat tire. Great.
Traffic was whizzing by. I put on my hazard lights and tried to dig the spare out of the back…lovely…it was one of those baby spares. And then the tools: one of those cheap twist jacks. Hoo-yeah!

As the rain pelted me I crawled around beside the car stuffing the jack in the reinforced section by the rear wheel, cutting my hand, dripping blood on the pavement. And all the while cars sped by, splattering me. Fun, fun, fun.

Eventually I got the spare on, crammed the full sized flat into the back and limped off to Discount Tire company. Those guys are great. Really. The showed me the damage. You can see it here-
a nail had dug through the tread and broke off, ripping the sidewall. They could plug the original hole but the tire would still be unsafe so…they sold me a used tire for ten bucks! What a bargain! Apart from the inconvenience, it didn’t work out so badly.

JAP: You changed a tire all by yourself?
Me: Yeh.
JAP: You really weren’t raised by Jews were you?
Me: What do you mean?
JAP: Our people don’t do that sort of thing. We call AAA.
Me: Sorry I broke the rules.
JAP: Its ok, just another reason to love you more than ever.
Me: Ahhh…..

Will my run of luck continue? Tune in next time…if you dare.

JAP and Ami, A Perfect Shabbos…Disgusting.

I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to write this blog…really…its getting boring. Oh, yes, we’re so happy…We had a great time…Things are going so well…

No one wants to read that sort of stuff. Its dull. I know what gets readers here: frum spanking, Wild Girl, psychotic first dates, heartbreak, tragedy…will anyone keep reading beyond my close circle of friends if I have good news all the time? That remains to be seen. There’s still a chance for a spectacular disaster I suppose…the Hindenberg, Titanic, a Tsunami…heck, The supervolcano under Wyoming might blow up, rendering the central United States a vast wasteland… you never know, but now it’s just dull, dull, dull.

JAP and I had just about the perfect shabbos. We spent the evening at a friend’s house having dinner. It was delicious. No one got food poisoning, no one fell into a well, hordes of angry villages with torches didn’t attack. It was sweet and fun.

The next morning JAP came over and walked to shul with me, hand in hand. She sat with her transliterated artscroll siddur, we talked about the meaning of the Torah portion, we davened Mussaf, we ate at the Kiddush, we hugged our friends, and then we went back to my place.

We changed clothes and went for a hike along the local canal. All the grass was green, the sun was warm, the breeze was cool, the trees provided shade. In total, we hiked for two hours. By that time it was four and we came home for a nap.

When we woke up, we took turns reading to each other from the book Kosher Sex- Boteach has some great advice for couples and JAP and I were in total agreement that we should follow his advice. Section by section we went through it and then…it was time to go back to shul for mincha/maariv.

I remember just a few weeks ago JAP was talking about how it was impossible for her to get through the day without talking on her phone, or driving or listening to music, but this shabbos she saw that she could do it- that she doesn’t need all that stuff to be happy or fulfilled.

I know that we’ve been brought to each other for a reason and maybe this is it: JAP was longing for a deeper connection to Judaism and I was longing for a Jewish family. Together we’ve found those things in each other and I really believe we’ll make a terrific team. Things are looking great! Unless those villagers get restless…or Wyoming...nah...that won't happen.

Shauvot...To heck with blintzes! Gimme the Meat!

I hope everyone had a great Shavuot- mine was lovely.

Every year- for every holiday- I get a load of crap from my employer. "We may not be able to get a sub for you. It just really hard at this time of the year." No matter what time of the year it is, always it seems to be a huge hassle- but in the end, I get a sub, I take the time off, and everything works out fine.

JAP was great- she had never celebrated shavuot before. "So," she quipped, "how do your people celebrate this holiday?" JAP never fails to make me laugh- I really adore her so much. I told her that we'd be studying all night. And while that didn't seem to appealing to her, she decided to come and check it out.

She really enjoyed herself. Listening to the head Rabbi speak about Maimonides, listening to the cantor speak about the differences between the schools of Hillel and Shammai, and finally listening to the assistant Rabbi talk about a beautiful, mystical passage in the talmud,Hagiga 14b: When the four entered the Pardes, R. `Akiva said to them: "When you reach the stones of pure marble, do not say: mayim, mayim." - all this was a new experience for her, and she enjoyed it very much. She liked the cheesecake too. Yeh. There was lots of that to go around. Seriously, I really have to hand it to her- she's doing so well at taking in all sorts of new things. Its not easy for her, but she's handling it with grace and it's really beautiful to see her growing Jewishly.

But the meat... ah the meat...I realize that traditionally Shavuot is a dairy holiday, but my Rabbi friend invited a bunch of us over for a bar-b-que on the second day. Finally it had stopped raining, the sun was out, Noah put away the ark and the Rabbi broke out a stash of Jeff's Kosher sausages. You can order from him here Man, does that guy make some good stuff!

Jeff's borewores, a South African style sausage is unreal, and the italian types are just great too. Meat, meat, meat...oh yeah. Too bad that JAP had to work that day, she missed out on a great feast. But she'll be with me tonight for shabbos dinner. I can't wait!